What's worse than a toilet seat on your head?

Quite a lot actually!

Well, I guess I ought to open this blog with the whole "Friday night at the Harrogate Hospital"; it's bit like Friday night at the London Palladium except with fewer sequins and a few more crotch shots.

After a massive row about me losing my watch (now found to my embarrassment and the annoyance of my insurance company and the local constabulary who i reported it to) Tom and I set off up to Harrogate. I hadn't been feeling too well all week and had had this nagging stomach ache but which was like period pain except at the wrong time of the month. I'd put it to the back of my mind and we drove on up there. The M1 was foul and did not add to the ambiance in the car which was already fraught due to the lost watch and the fact Tom had not been fed for over 2 hours. (he needs regular refuelling or he gets a bit tetchy - a packet of quavers does not satisfy a growing boy)

We ended up navigating our way the wrong way round Harrogate for about half an hour (note to self, do not pretend that you can read maps, it only causes rows) we eventually found ourselves on a dirt track in the middle of nowhere. It was this gorgeous deserted farmhouse and we were welcomed in by a lovely chap called Ollie up a tiny winding and very dark stone path (I instantly regretted wearing gold stilletoes). Our room was gorgeous and we had a little bathroom just off it which was painted green.

I settled into a big, comfy armchair in the room and poured a small glass of wine and this helped to dissipate the stress of the journey and some of my tummy ache. After a quick sit down and a chat where I managed not to moan about my watch and Tom managed not to moan about not eating, we felt much more relaxed and we ditched our half drunk wine as "holiday fever" rather overtook us if you get my meaning.

Now, after our little horizontal jog across the bed, my pain suddenly got worse. I tried to stifle a moan through clenched teeth but Tom could see I was in agony. I attempted to persuade him to just let me sleep it off but I knew there was something very wrong. I managed to find a pair of knickers and pull those on but just the effort of that made me scream. Tom was really worried by now as I had peretonitis when I was 17 following an appendix operation which has left me with painful internal adhesions which often give me some pain but nothing like this. I reassured him that I was OK and decided to try and get to the bathroom as it felt like I was heamorraging. I managed to pull on a dressing gown and was bent double on the way to the loo. There was no way I could stand up straight and I was starting to feel dizzy.

I remember pulling my knickers down to sit on the loo and feeling dizzy and then thinking "why am I in a field and why is the sky green?" I had apparently passed out whilst trying to sit on the loo; Tom had followed me in and had watched me collapse after making the most unholy groan. I then spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince Tom and myself that i was OK. Why? I don't know either. However, I ended up passing out again in the green bathroom (I realised after a few minutes that i was not actually in a field, just a very very green ensuite!) and curling up in agony.

Tom decided to call an ambulance and that is when I began my fight with the loo seat. It was a really heavy wooden thing and it took all my strength to crawl up to it and lean it up as I thought I was going to throw up. However, God decided at that moment to have another almighty laugh at my expense and so whilst I was retching into the loo, the 6 tonne loo seat came crashing down on my head. I managed to push it up again and lean back a little, only for it to crash back down on my fingertips. (No nails broken though thank goodness)

By this time I knew something was very wrong, and not just with the toilet seat. I couldn't stop passing out and I was drenched in cold sweat. If this image is not hideous enough then I also had my knickers round my knees and couldn't bend enough to pull them up. So, at this point I had a slick of cold sweat, a hotel dressing gown on, a lump on my head from a toilet seat and my knickers wrapped around my kneecaps, all whilst writhing around on a bright green carpet by the toilet pan. Another classic photo opportunity.

Luckily the ambulance arrived fairly quickly although it had thought it was a hoax call as it was so far into the wilderness. Only I could get taken ill in the middle of deepest Yorkshire.

Tom had tried to wake the owners of the B&B up to tell them what had happened but apparently they had a mad dog which was barking and growling like fury so he decided to just follow the ambulance.

Harrogate A&E was lovely; it was like "Heartbeat", really quaint and the staff were so lovely. However, there's something a little odd about turning up in just a lace up pink thong and a hotel dressing gown after you've been doing the wild thing and then having to have an internal. Degrading is not the word, especially when the gynaecologist looks the same age as the boy who does your paper round.

It is never nice have an internal examination but definitely not at half two in the morning whilst three sheets to the wind on morphine and whilst trying to convince the sister than you don't want your boyfriend watching so making him skulk outside the curtains when everyone knows you've just been at it! Very odd and only in my world.

I cried when they admitted me because I just wanted to go home and despite the drugs, i couldn't get any rest because of the pain. I was admitted to a lovely ward where the nurses were all lovely and was put on all sorts of drips and had to do 3 (yes, three) pregnancy tests as they were convinced it was an ectopic pregnancy.

In the morning I was faced with the horrible decision of who to tell. My whole family are away either on honeymoons or holidays and I didn't want to spoil their lovely times so i just told my best mate and asked her to call Tom and tell him what to bring to the hospital as I only had my naughty knickers and that flippin dressing gown. As it happens, she didn't get to Tom fast enough so he bought exactly what a naked girl in hospital needs - a phone charger and a book. (Which incidentally he dropped on my lap when he arrived and set me off into spasms again).

After despatching Tom to try and get me something I might actually need as I was unaware of anyone on the ward who could fashion some nightwear from a phone charger and a novel, I found out that I might have to have surgery to find out what it was. I've always had terrible gynae problems which were as a result of my infection following my appendix and I've always been a slave to my bits and bobs so the thought of more surgery filled me with horror.

As it happened though I had something worse than surgery in the end. I don't know if any of you have ever had an internal scan but you need to start praying now to whichever god you worship that a mad radiologist wielding something the size of a car exhaust never appears anywhere near your nethers. I knew it was bad because the student female nurse chaperone squeezed MY hand when he waved that instrument.

After being violated by a Kwik-fit special offer for half an hour, I actually had some really good news. Despite the damage on the left side fallopian tube, it appeared that my right ovary, tube and all of my womb and uterus were intact. This was unbelivebale news as my scans in 2000 showed a degenerative condition that suggested I would be totally unable to have children later in life. The radiologist let me listen to the blood flow and pulse through my ovaries and I sobbed like an expectant mother at their baby's scan. This was the best possible news ever, even if i did have an exhaust pipe up my nancy.

I was sent back to the ward and pleaded with the doctors to discharge me. They didn't want to as my blood presure is apparently very low and so they were worried about me fainting again and didn't know why it was so low. Seems odd that someone as highly strung as me actually has low blood pressure!

Anyway, I was discharged on Sunday evening and we travelled back home. Tom's had me doing nothing and in truth I'm bored out of my head. However, looking forward to the consultant's appointment on Thursday as my scan results hint that we may have more of a chance than we first thought so yay!!! Just hope that whatever did cause my collapse on Friday doesn't affect things; i've got to have more tests on Thursday to rule a few more things out.

But, the good news is; just like the easter bunny I have a basketfull of eggs!!!! Double and Triple Yay!!!!!!

Anyway, am off now so hopefully I'll see you on here again soon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Emmy