I am having a heart attack...

Well, it feels like it.

This morning wasn't exactly the best start to the treatment. I didn't sleep a wink last night, not because of nerves but because Tom snored like a pig with a loudhaler attached to its snout. I spent most of the night sitting up in bed reading Terry Wogan's autobiography (don't ask...)

I "woke" up this morning and had a shower at about 5am then ate a jam toasted roll and sat there like a loon waiting for 7am to do my first jab.

After humming the casualty theme tune and saying things like "swab", "forceps", "crash team!" I stopped pretending I was an extra from Holby City and suddenly realised I was going to have to jab myself with a needle. My steel like resolve unfortunately corroded and I ended up with two legs made out of dollops of blancmange. I was so wobbly I had to lie down for a minute and it didn't help that Tom was yelling such helpful things as "Come on!", "What's the bloomin problem", "You've been fine up til now" and "You'll miss the deadline and then where will be be!" This ended up in a blazing row with me in a dressing gown wielding a needle and Tom stomping around like a pig with a sore snout (must have been all that snoring). This was even before I'd jabbed myself with the damn thing.

A few hums of a few bars of "eye of the tiger" and the complete blind rage I was feeling at Tom shouting at me when he wasn't the one having to stick needles in him was enough to spur me on into injecting. It stung like crazy when the medicine went in but there was not an immediate "incredible sulk" style transformation at all. I was still me, no shirt ripping off, growling or super psycho powers (yet...)

I went to school as usual and didn't even think anything of it until our nursery teacher crept up behind me and then did this massive growl and yelled "are you bonkers yet!" I nearly had a flippin heart attack there and then but I was unaware of just how much I'd feel like I was having one later on.

I taught all morning and was just in the middle of teaching the finer points of how to use a protractor when I felt as if the Year 6 champion footballer I was talking to had leapt up and suddenly started using my heart for "keepy uppy" practice. My heart was absolutely hammering and I had this chest pain. I held it together until playtime but it kept happening over and over again. I phoned the hospital but all the medical staff from the ACU (assisted conception unit) were in theatre and they said they'd phone back. As yet, no word from them! So, at half three today, i phoned my own GP and asked if it was normal to feel as if my heart was being kicked repeatedly.

Apparently...

YES!

One side effect of the drugs is a racing heart, palpitations and chest pain. So, looks like I'm currently escaping the mental sypmtoms and having the physical ones instead. My eyes are blurry too which the doctor says is also normal but if that gets worse I'm not to drive. Oh lucky lucky me. Does make me smile though that I am full of strong drugs which I've been told will send me mad but I feel totally normal... Hmmmmm, what does that tell you!!!!

Anyway, I'm back at my parents' at the moment as it really is very uncomfortable to be sitting on the sofa and yet feeling like you've just got off a treadmill. So, I'm on the receiving end of some tea and sympathy from my Dad whilst my mum's out Christmas shopping.

I'll also take this opportunity to share with you something I did last night which Tom thinks is completely daft. I didn't like the suitcase thing all the drugs came in as it looked too "clinical" so I put all the different things into lots of pretty make up bags and then put all of those into a bright scarlet vanity case. My drugs now look chic and pretty. I also taped a big smiley face on the underside of the lid so that when I open it I see that and a note I wrote to myself. I taped to the underside of the lid the following....

"Smile! Good morning my lovely; you're one day closer to finishing all of this. Here's a list of 5 reasons to smile today.

1. Tom loves you

2. Although you are no supermodel, you do not have a face like a bag of spanners, even if your body feels like a pile of poo

3. You're one day closer to Will and Jo coming home

4. Your teddy and your bed are always a place you can go and hide tonight if it's been horrible.

5. Your mum and dad love you and tea and soup at theirs is only round the corner

Here's 5 things to look forward to if it doesn't work...

1. A cold glass of champagne

2. A delicious G&T

3. Loads of really glam outfits on a shopping spree

4. Snowboarding holidays

5. Cocktails!

Here's one thing to look forward to if it does work...

A baby!"

You may think I'm nuts for doing this but I hated looking at the hospital style boxes and I knew that if things got tough that all that would spur me on to keep chipper. I also wrote a long letter to myself in a very matronly "no nonsense" style and put it in a sealed envelope in the vanity case with the message, "Open me if things get tough".

So, I am now officially nuts as I write letters to myself. I must admit though that it's pretty unnerving already feeling like your heart's making a break for freedom so anything to keep my pecker up is a bonus. Tom's away tonight aswell so I won't see him til tomorrow night. The lovely bloke bought me a big bunch of lilies last night to cheer me up and wish me well. He's also apologised for being Mr Stompytrousers this morning and yelling at me. I think he's just frustrated about having to watch me do all this. Bless him.

Anyway, I'll sign off now and go and begin a bit of relaxing. I was going to go for a run as I missed going last night (It was so windy I thought if I went out in it I was likely to end up like Dorothy in Oz but minus the red slippers and in trainers and a sweaty pair of leggings which would never have been a good look).

So, I'll say bye for now and keep you posted. Thanks for all the well wishes so far; it really does mean a lot.

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