Meltdown...

I think I have gone insane. I have just had a complete emotional meltdown about a car service; you know, floods of tears, hysterical wailing, the whole lot.

I am due to go to the hospital for my pre-operation assessment and a bit of a chat with the fertility nurse today. I somehow managed to get the times wrong though. Was convinced it was 3pm today but when I checked yesterday afternoon it's actually 1.30pm!

No real problem I hear you say, except that Tom can't make it. He's gutted as it means he won't be able to support me but it's my fault for not reading the letter properly and there's nothing we can do about it now. However, my car was also due in for a service today, I've had a letter from the bank saying there's a problem changing my name back and I need to see them today, my passport photos need sending off today, I'm halfway through filling in the paperwork for my holiday insurance claim to get my money back for the "rash saga" and then it turns out my car isn't booked in after all. I know that to a sane, everyday onlooker, none of this seems particularly taxing but for some reason (and i have no idea why) the fact that my car wasn't actually booked in today sent me into a tailspin.

I ended up sobbing on Tom's drive that he hadn't told me I needed to confirm, whilst he told me over and over that he had. I stomped off and got in my car and said (with full princess flick of the hair and the closing "boom booms" from the end of an Eastenders episode) "I'm going home!" and then sped off with tears streaming down my face behind my sunglasses and the realisation that I was acting like a teen extra from Hollyoaks and needed to pull myself together.

I phoned the garage and sorted out the car then tried to call Tom. He was lovely but very clipped and businesslike which roughly translates to "Emma stop being a twat". (excuse my language but I really think I am acting like a div at the moment)

Now feel like the world's biggest lunatic and have got to go to the hospital by myself today. I'm sure I'll be fine but I really didn't want to go by myself - I think it's because it's fertility related and I feel a bit lonesome on my own. My mum's offered to come with me but she panicks and makes me even more nervous. So, think I'll just bite the bullet and go alone. Will do all my other jobs in town before I go and then it'll all be done and I'll have no excuse for acting like a hysterical banshee!

I am just so nervous about the whole thing, both the initial operation and the IVF itself. I'm terrified of hospitals anyway after a botched appendix operation when I was 17 left me in hospital on and off for nearly 6 months. I am a complete nervous wreck whenever I have to go into them, even as a visitor and so this whole process is not exactly at the top of my ideal list of "perfect destinations and activities". I keep thinking I'm coping Ok with the whole thing but I've realised that my short temper and sudden floods of tears are obviously linked to all of this.

Anyway, I guess I don't know how it'll turn out on the 24th so I suppose I just need to get on with it. The thought of having ovaries and/or tubes removed makes me feel so sick with nerves that I can barely think straight though; twin that with the prospect of months of IVF afterwards and it's a heady cocktail to try and swallow.

Will see how it goes this afternoon and update again soon.

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