OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!

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Now, I am officially fed up.

The novelty has worn off.

I am bored of being ill now.

Grrrrr, honestly thought I'd be up, about and driving around doing stuff by now instead of hobbling around with a stomach that looks like I've used it as a knife rack and whining little whingey type pains that just won't go away.

I've reduced my painkillers as they were making me feel as though I've been on the sauce constantly - nice for a while but then you start missing the old rational thought processes and the concept of time passing so I thought I'd shelve those for a while.

Reckon the only thing that's kept me going over the last 24 hours is meeting up with a lovely bride to be and donating my wedding dress to her. She was an absolutely lovely little scrumplet of a lady and she drove for almost 4 hours with her dad to come and try it on.

I'd whittled it down from almost 200 potential applicants and was so pleased to realise that I had actually found a genuine bride and not a man (seriously I had so many men wanting the dress - bunch of hairy legged fruitcakes that they were) and she looked absolutely glorious in the dress. It was really odd because the dress looked totally and utterly different on her to me - just goes to show that you really do need to try stuff on. (Note to self - please do remember this fact and stop buying inappropriate stuff off ebay which does NOT make you look young and hip, it just makes you look old and close to needing a replacement hip...)

My mum and I helped her to get the dress on as it's made of enough material to keep the RAF in parachutes for a year (although whether they'd want beaded and diamante encrusted parachutes is doubtful, although they would sparkle rather nicely I guess and they could always keep them for "best"). Mum helped to tie the corset back up which luckily she remembered how to do this time; I had not been so lucky on my wedding day and we had ended up tying almost every knot known to boy scouts and tying me in in such a way that Houdini would've given up trying to get out of. Fortunately, Mum did not do her sheepshank/reefknot/grannyknot fastening this time and the lovely lady was therefore still able to breathe and to move around in the frock - when mum tied mine up at my wedding she did it so tightly at first that if I opened my mouth to speak you could see a kidney.

She looked an absolute picture in it and so I did whatever anyone would do to enhance the outfit...

Did I offer her an understated piece of jewellery to set off the beading on the dress?

No.

Did I gently angle a gilt mirror to offer her a view of the side?

No.

Did i fill the air with the soft sound of the fizz of champagne.

No.

I pulled some silk peonies out of a vase on my bedroom desk and said, "Here, try it with a bouquet".

Class.

That's just what someone wants when they are having an emotional choice over the most important dress they will ever wear. They want some patched up war wound covered hospital veteran in leggings shoving a dusty bunch of fake flowers at them. God I'm a tw*t.

However, despite me acting like the village idiot again and thrusting plastic blooms on the poor unsuspecting lovely, she was delighted with the dress and we helped her into the car with it for the long journey back home.

Mum, who had previously thought I was one hazelnut short of a nutella jar was thrilled when they drove off and finally agreed that it had been the right thing to do. Previously I had been convinced that she would lurk in my wardrobe until I tried to give it away and then leap out and throttle me in a choke hold with a petticoat hoop. Fortunately, she was as taken with the idea of being a "Wedding dress fairy Godmother" as I was and we shed a little tear later on when we heard back from the dress lady who said I had made her wedding dreams come true.

I didn't want anything for the dress but she bought me a Pandora charm for my bracelet. It was a little fat fairy and I've put the pic of it on here. I can now wear it and know I have granted someone a fairy godmother wish and that i have now found my own prince charming - shame I had to kiss that bloomin vile toad of an ex before I got here.

when she gave me the charm, I dug out one that my best mate had given me as an engagement present - it was a solid gold and silver wedding cake and seeing as I have no use for wedding cake around my wrist at the moment, I passed it on to her.

She sent me a bouquet of flowers this morning too and i was so overwhelmed by it that i almost lost it again. I'll put a pic of the bouquet on the next post but my camera battery has just died at the mo so it'll have to wait.

you have of course, in the meatime, got some fabulous shots of my current amazing physique. bearing in mind that i also have two other wounds, shall we say, "below the knicker line", then you can see why i feel as though I am human crochet. The swelling has gone down an infinite amount and now I just look as if I have terrible wind rather than a phantom 6 month pregnancy.

It's still bloomin painful and I have to get up out of chairs in that way that preggers ladies do by sort of half hauling, half throwing themselves onto their feet then wobbling like a ten pin bowling skittle until they regain their balance.

I've got quite a big weekend this weekend too and so I'm a little concerned about whether I'll manage it all. I'm meant to be helping Tom's mum to cater for a party of almost 40 people on Sunday and Saturday sees me at a 50th anniversary of the Estonian people in Britain thing with thousands of folk there from all over the world. Bet I'm the only one there who resembles a stomach made of a knitted shawl!

Anyway, just thought I'd post and say Hi as I might not be able to get on over the next few days.

Do please say hello if you're reading; I love to hear from you!

XXXXXXXXXXX Emmy

P.S all those flippin hours in the gym to get a six pack and now I look like Humpty Dumpty's pin up girl. Grrrrrrrrr