Well I wondered how long it would take... (edited)

Before the "anonymous" comments reared their heads again.

Just to clarify...

I had reactive depression - for those of you not in the know, this is when you REACT to something. That event is over, as is the "mental collapse" you mention.

Read the posts and get to know me; if I was that bonkers, do you think I would be in charge of a school, over 250 kids, my own home and allowed to get this far on the IVF road?

We are talking here about a ruling which we think our consultant has overlooked in some way.

As for the comments about ST... when some bloke marries you, walks out weeks later, robs all of your life savings from you and disappears into the night with no explanation after the only weeks of the marriage being complete and utter mental torture, then please feel free to lecture me on appropriate responses.

Yes, I entered into that marriage fully and wholeheartedly. He obviously didn't. It wrecked my life temporarily but I am back and fighting fit after the hardest struggle I've ever had. The fact the IVf has to be now is not ideal, I grant you. It would never have been my choice. i am a traditionalist at heart after all. However, I can't help the illness/symptoms I have and the fact they necessitate IVF. I am so lucky to have found a true hero and life partner in Tom who is the best thing to ever ever ever happen to me and I'm grateful to him every day for showing me that not all blokes are hideous thieving guttersnipes with the morals of a sewer rat.

The fact that ST agreeing to marry me is putting a spanner in the works now, is just another indication of the cruel hand fate keeps dealing me at the moment. If he had had the guts not to go through with the marriage or had the common decency to be honest about things in the first place then the shadow he has inadvertently cast over my life may not have occurred. He is out there living his life as happy as larry whilst I am continually thwarted by the fact that we married. I never entered into the marriage thinking it would end so it is just utterly unfair that MY new life is still affected by the choices HE made. It sucks and I am allowed to be angry about it. I do hope he rots in hell and I would defy anyone to go through what i have and not feel the same way.

I have thought long and hard about all of the decisions I have made recently, unlike the 16 year old girl who had just given birth and was drinking special brew and smoking a fag outside the maternity unit we had to pass through on the way to our IVF open evening, whilst she repeatedly told her mum she didn't know which bloke was the father. How come she gets to be a mum and not me? I have devoted my working life to the care and guidance of other people's children and I just want a chance to love and care for a baby of my own. Don't you dare tell me I cannot even be in charge of a puppy; that is cruel, callous and completely unnecessary. Or maybe the line of pregnant mums puffing on fags outside the unit should be more entitled?

For one woman (and I am assuming you are a woman) to tell another she is not fit to look after a puppy let alone a baby is a heartless and utterly ill thought through sentiment. Add into the mix that we have, as a couple, endured more rough times, health scares, ups and downs and general mishaps over our short time together than many couples experience in a decade and it is testament to the way we feel about each other and more recently, about becoming parents together. I have supported Tom as he has dealt with major upheavals in his own life (which I have never posted about on here) and he has watched me collapse unconscious from the severe gynae symptoms, deal with surgery, come to terms with the fact we may never have children of our own and has coaxed me gently back to the person I was for the 32 years before ST wrecked me. I think people forget that before that toadweasel affected me, i had sailed through life for 32 years, dealing with things in a totally "normal" way; it was only because he hurled such a horrible and unexpected curve ball at me that I reacted in the way I did.

This reaction does not make me unable and incapable of caring for a dog. I trained for 5 years to work with children as I adore them. I have volunteered since I was 15 on anything to do with the care and support of children and young people. It is the hardest thing to get to grips with the fact I may always be the one handing back other people's babies at the end of the working day and going home to a home which will never house a cot, a pile of neatly folded baby clothes or the sound of my own baby's laugh.

I may never hear my own baby call my name, may never walk them up and down my landing to soothe their crying in the night or help them take their first steps. For millions of women around the world, they will take these simple things for granted and never ever have someone else, be it a doctor or faceless beaurocrat take their chances away from them due to a previous marriage that ended through no fault of their own.

There will be girls who get pregnant from one night stands, girls who fall pregnant accidentally, girls who knowingly abuse their bodies and babies throughout their pregnancy, just as there will be girls who plan their babies in solid relationships. However these pregnancies come about, i can guarantee that none of them will have someone else deciding for them whether the pregnancy actually begins and happens or not. I do. Someone else is holding all the cards for me and ST has just played a blinding hand, even though he's not even at the table anymore. It's so unfair.

I had a breakdown after a horrible man humiliated and hurt me beyond measure. I am an educated, hardworking and loving person with a fantastic family unit into which a baby would receive more love and support than it could possibly imagine. Just because ST hurt me, does not mean I cannot care for children.

Oh, and I've been with Tom just a couple of weeks shy of a year, not six months! How much more stable do you want than living together every night of the week, our families socialising regularly together, getting his house ready for me to move into and him wanting to go for the IVF in the first place. Think and read carefully before you comment. I use this blog to order my thoughts. Analyse beyond the "emotion" of the posts and think about how I actually conduct myself in my daily life and you'll see a stable professional with a great family and lots of friends - not some fruit loop who "hangs onto bannisters". That was over 18 months ago and its nearly two years since I married ST. It therefore is truly galling to have him get in the flippin way constantly.

I'll thank you to truly walk a mile in my shoes before you decide to kick me with your own.

Oh, and no surprise that you're dishing out advice without revealing your own identity.

Get off my blog and don't come back.