Wednesday, 25 November 2009

I am having a heart attack...

Well, it feels like it.

This morning wasn't exactly the best start to the treatment. I didn't sleep a wink last night, not because of nerves but because Tom snored like a pig with a loudhaler attached to its snout. I spent most of the night sitting up in bed reading Terry Wogan's autobiography (don't ask...)

I "woke" up this morning and had a shower at about 5am then ate a jam toasted roll and sat there like a loon waiting for 7am to do my first jab.

After humming the casualty theme tune and saying things like "swab", "forceps", "crash team!" I stopped pretending I was an extra from Holby City and suddenly realised I was going to have to jab myself with a needle. My steel like resolve unfortunately corroded and I ended up with two legs made out of dollops of blancmange. I was so wobbly I had to lie down for a minute and it didn't help that Tom was yelling such helpful things as "Come on!", "What's the bloomin problem", "You've been fine up til now" and "You'll miss the deadline and then where will be be!" This ended up in a blazing row with me in a dressing gown wielding a needle and Tom stomping around like a pig with a sore snout (must have been all that snoring). This was even before I'd jabbed myself with the damn thing.

A few hums of a few bars of "eye of the tiger" and the complete blind rage I was feeling at Tom shouting at me when he wasn't the one having to stick needles in him was enough to spur me on into injecting. It stung like crazy when the medicine went in but there was not an immediate "incredible sulk" style transformation at all. I was still me, no shirt ripping off, growling or super psycho powers (yet...)

I went to school as usual and didn't even think anything of it until our nursery teacher crept up behind me and then did this massive growl and yelled "are you bonkers yet!" I nearly had a flippin heart attack there and then but I was unaware of just how much I'd feel like I was having one later on.

I taught all morning and was just in the middle of teaching the finer points of how to use a protractor when I felt as if the Year 6 champion footballer I was talking to had leapt up and suddenly started using my heart for "keepy uppy" practice. My heart was absolutely hammering and I had this chest pain. I held it together until playtime but it kept happening over and over again. I phoned the hospital but all the medical staff from the ACU (assisted conception unit) were in theatre and they said they'd phone back. As yet, no word from them! So, at half three today, i phoned my own GP and asked if it was normal to feel as if my heart was being kicked repeatedly.



One side effect of the drugs is a racing heart, palpitations and chest pain. So, looks like I'm currently escaping the mental sypmtoms and having the physical ones instead. My eyes are blurry too which the doctor says is also normal but if that gets worse I'm not to drive. Oh lucky lucky me. Does make me smile though that I am full of strong drugs which I've been told will send me mad but I feel totally normal... Hmmmmm, what does that tell you!!!!

Anyway, I'm back at my parents' at the moment as it really is very uncomfortable to be sitting on the sofa and yet feeling like you've just got off a treadmill. So, I'm on the receiving end of some tea and sympathy from my Dad whilst my mum's out Christmas shopping.

I'll also take this opportunity to share with you something I did last night which Tom thinks is completely daft. I didn't like the suitcase thing all the drugs came in as it looked too "clinical" so I put all the different things into lots of pretty make up bags and then put all of those into a bright scarlet vanity case. My drugs now look chic and pretty. I also taped a big smiley face on the underside of the lid so that when I open it I see that and a note I wrote to myself. I taped to the underside of the lid the following....

"Smile! Good morning my lovely; you're one day closer to finishing all of this. Here's a list of 5 reasons to smile today.
1. Tom loves you
2. Although you are no supermodel, you do not have a face like a bag of spanners, even if your body feels like a pile of poo
3. You're one day closer to Will and Jo coming home
4. Your teddy and your bed are always a place you can go and hide tonight if it's been horrible.
5. Your mum and dad love you and tea and soup at theirs is only round the corner
Here's 5 things to look forward to if it doesn't work...
1. A cold glass of champagne
2. A delicious G&T
3. Loads of really glam outfits on a shopping spree
4. Snowboarding holidays
5. Cocktails!
Here's one thing to look forward to if it does work...
A baby!"
You may think I'm nuts for doing this but I hated looking at the hospital style boxes and I knew that if things got tough that all that would spur me on to keep chipper. I also wrote a long letter to myself in a very matronly "no nonsense" style and put it in a sealed envelope in the vanity case with the message, "Open me if things get tough".
So, I am now officially nuts as I write letters to myself. I must admit though that it's pretty unnerving already feeling like your heart's making a break for freedom so anything to keep my pecker up is a bonus. Tom's away tonight aswell so I won't see him til tomorrow night. The lovely bloke bought me a big bunch of lilies last night to cheer me up and wish me well. He's also apologised for being Mr Stompytrousers this morning and yelling at me. I think he's just frustrated about having to watch me do all this. Bless him.
Anyway, I'll sign off now and go and begin a bit of relaxing. I was going to go for a run as I missed going last night (It was so windy I thought if I went out in it I was likely to end up like Dorothy in Oz but minus the red slippers and in trainers and a sweaty pair of leggings which would never have been a good look).
So, I'll say bye for now and keep you posted. Thanks for all the well wishes so far; it really does mean a lot.


  1. Hey there hun,

    Only just caught up with the things going on in your life! I am so pleased that the consultant could see sense and has decided to give you the go ahead with the IVF. I sincerely hope things go well for you... I think you have the right attitude to this. Writing letters and changing the clinical stuff into nice bags is an awesome idea! :)

    I will keep reading hun. All the best for the jabs ( it will become second nature in no time! ) and I am sending you lots and lots of virtual hugs.

  2. Don't think you're bonkers at all for writing letters to yourself, think it sounds like a really good idea! (I might nick it!)
    Also there's nothing wrong with making the drugs look prettier!
    Good luck with the IVF, and keep us posted. Will keep my fingers crossed for you both

  3. Good morning :)

    I just wanted to share this poem with you, and send you lots of love for the weeks ahead. Meditate regularly on lots of lovely eggs growing and the fertility clinic being overwhelmed at how many there are :)

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
    When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit
    Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
    Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
    As everyone of us sometimes learns,
    And many a failure turns about
    When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
    Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
    You may succeed with another blow.
    Often the struggler has given up
    When he might have captured the victors cup;
    And he learned too late when the night came down,
    How close he was to the golden crown.
    Success is failure turned inside out
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems so far;
    So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
    It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

    Lots of love to you xx

  4. Just catching up Emmy, thats great that everything is underway for you now! I really hope everything works out you really deserve it!!

    Take care


  5. Dear Emmy, I'm so happy for you and Tom! I can sympathise with you on some things. I will prob need IVF when Andy and I start trying so i know how you're kinda feeling.

    The letters were an amazing idea. It's important to remember loads of people love you and i'm sure everyone on here is on hand if you feel down or need support.

    Good luck!

    Katya x

  6. Yikes! I know how unpleasant heart palpatations are! Hopefully they settle down!
    I love how you've made your meds all pretty and especially love what you've taped to the lid. Very inspirational, but very you too :) xx

  7. Aww Emmy, it's all started now and you will soon be able to inject better than any nurse.
    I can share my own needle amusement with you when i started my IVF.
    We flew to England for a wedding, my first injection of the suppression drug (due to time change) had to be done in the wedding reception car park in the hire car. I carried my little cool bag everywhere, the second one was done in one of Virgins ever so luxury toilets aboard a A330 aircraft. So you see its all character building and useful stories for later life.

    Good luck with it all try and sleep as much as you can. The progesterone will make you anyway

    Sarahx x