Well I guess the title says it all really. Started spotting last night so thought "sod it" and had a big glass of wine with my dinner at mum's after doing yet more tests which turned out to be negative.
Was up with Tom at 5.30am this morning to make the dark trip into hospital in -5 degree temperatures to have the news broken to us formally.
I had to take a urine sample in and have a blood test but the urine sample is definitely a negative so the blood test is now a formality just to check my own hormone levels.
We have an appointment to see the consultant in a couple of weeks to look at all of our options and next steps too which should be something to look forward to.
Good news is though that we thought we'd have to start saving a few pennies to pay for all the embryo transfers but apparently not! This little frozen team get thawed and replaced for nothing; it's only if we need another full round of the egg collection surgery and jabs that we need to pay. Some other good news was that although we only thought we had 6 frozen embryos, apparently one more made a last dash for the finish line and started developing so now we have seven.
Every cloud I guess therefore has a silver lining but it doesn't stop it raining and I feel like it's pouring today. I had to drive back to school alone as Tom had to dash off to catch a train to London. I had to walk straight back into a room full of over 30 staff and rally them all ready for the new term under new management. I don't quite know how I got through it. I made gags, I told little stories and somehow managed to go through the next term's action plan, staffing structure and begin the induction of 2 new other staff as well as begin sorting out a grievance. I will admit though that after that, I hid in my office, read my lovely text messages from Tom and almost broke down when our "Care Coordinator" came in to check I was OK (we have a dedicated member of the support team who is a family liaison and crisis officer as well as sometimes staff counsellor.) I told her all the gory details but didn't crack, even when she offered to make me a cup of tea which is what usually makes the old chin start to wobble on me.
I'm home now and must have looked a right miserable cow cause I didn't go round saying goodbye to anyone. Just hope when news filters round they cut me some slack about it.
Have got a pile of marking to finish off and the house needs a good clean - no more getting out of the hoovering in case I dislodge the embryo.
Am not going to lie and say things are fine at the moment. Feel numb about it all actually. The whole round of injections, early morning dashes to the hospital, the scans, the surgery, the medications and the waiting and hoping all seem like a bit of a dream now. The not so nice thing is now that we have to go through pretty much all of it again.
Oh well my little fragglebaublebaby, I don't know who you would have been, what you would have become or why you didn't stick around but I want you to know you would have been loved so very very much. I tried ever so hard to make you stay but you obviously weren't ready or thought that I wasn't ready for you. I'm so sorry if it's something I did wrong; if I'd have known how to do it, I would have done anything to ensure you were safe. Just the thought of the chance of you made me and Tom so happy and for that short time we thought you might keep growing and staying around, you made us so excited and proud.
Maybe one of your chilly little brother and sister embryos will be the one who I help to grow but you will always be so very special. You were our very first and the embryologist said you were the very best. I agree. I don't know what happened and will happen to you now but although you were only a few cells big, you changed me and Tom forever. Your chilly little siblings will have such a loving family to come into if they can stick and stay; this we found out because of you. Every member of our families from the oldest granny to the youngest cousin, from the littlest aunty to the biggest beefy rugby playing uncle were all rooting for you. We're all just waiting and waiting to love one of you. I only hope that it's soon.
Thank you my little fragglebaublebaby for showing us how much we are loved and how lucky we are to have each other and our families. I'm going to sign off now and hopefully update again soon.
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!
Just got a phone call from the hospital and things just get worse. On new Year's Eve when I did the test, I bought it because i felt "different". I can't explain it, just that I didn't feel my usual self since the transfer but on this day I felt like my normal self again. I mistakenly thought it was because I might actually be pregnant and I was starting to "feel" the pregancy hormone. Turns out I couldn't be more wrong. The hospital just called to say there's a problem with my blood result. Apparently my blood reading for HcG is "12" which indicates that at some point I was actually pregnant and the embryo had implanted and started producing its own HcG. However, 12 is apparently too low to indicate an ongoing pregnancy. The upshot is that it appears I was pregant and then "lost" the pregnancy so the shift in feeling I had on New Year's Day is probably when the pregnancy ended! The hospital explain this as a "biochemical pregnancy" and they said it's good news as it shows I have some sticking power. Bloody hell though. Now I feel even worse. Got to go back to hospital on Friday morning for another blood test to check my hormone levels are continuing to go back down. It may however, explain the funny line on that very first "tesco toilets" test. Am utterly up in the air and completely blaming myself for overdoing it during that first week. Why can't even this part go smoothly???? AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!