Sunday, 3 January 2010

What's the similarity between me and chocolate?

They both start to melt when things start to heat up...

Yes, along with my selection box that I left too near the portable heater (my house still isn't any warmer) I am experiencing a minor meltdown.

It appears that the early testing rollercoaster triggered off a lot of stuff that I had kept a lid on recently. In fact, Tom and I were only saying the other day how we seem to have sailed through all of this so far and that the horror stories of hormonal nutcaseness that were sold to us may well have been from attention seeking ladies with nothing better to focus on.

It appears we were wrong. Very wrong. The hormone train hit me like an express freight version the other day and I sobbed solidly from New Year's Day until last night. I don't know what came over me. One minute I was fine and the next minute I started sobbing and shaking and couldn't stop. I was even laughing but crying at the same time. I've had every single feeling you could ever have within the worst PMT ever. I've had a feeling of being a complete and utter failure, a self loathing the likes of which you've never seen before, anger so strong I swear I could knock out Mike Tyson in one Miss Piggy punch, utter frustration and of course complete and abject misery. I'm fine now though. A very long chat with Tom yesterday sorted me out and a trawl round some carpet shops for my new lounge carpet reminded me that there are people worse off in the world than us. (you don't half get some nutters wandering amongst the roll ends...)

The upshot though is that I feel incredibly fragile at the moment. I've therefore done what anyone does in a crisis and gone and blown a couple of hundred quid in the sales on boots that are fabulously impractical and achingly fashionable tops and jackets that make me feel better about the IVF fiasco. There's nothing more soothing than entering your pin number and being passed a shiny new pair of boots wrapped in tissue. And relax.........

Have also kept sales of early pregnancy test kits nice and high and have done at least one every day. I've not even had a whiff of the second pink line like on the first "Tesco Toilets Test" and so have now accepted that this little fragglebaublebaby just didn't want to stick around. The faint line was obviously a hangover of the HCG injection prior to my surgery. Ah well, at least we had an extra decoration on the tree this year and I got out of the washing up. Every cloud and all that.

We're off to the hospital for 8am tomorrow to have it confirmed and then at 9am I begin my first day in my new role as acting head. No pressure that morning then.... God knows how I'm going to walk out of the test results and into a staff room full of expectant faces and keep it all together. Time for some deep breaths, eye of the tiger backing music and a few shouts of "I am iron!!!" before I go in.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone who has supported me so far through all of this. It has made the whole process so much easier to bear and I don't have to put my "brave face" on with you lot all the time like I do with my family and friends - you see, a lot of the time I don't want to upset them; they've done more than enough to support me over the last 18 months.

So, I'll say goodbye for now and confirm tomorrow that our little fraggle had just the one Christmas with us. Lots of love in the meantime and thanks again.

A rather wobbly,



  1. It still might be working for you! But if it doesn't, give yourself time to grieve. My fresh IVF was a Big Fat F'n Negative and it hurt like crazy. But I got up the nerve to transfer two of my frozen embies and that's when I got a positive. I truly think my body did not like being jacked up on all the hormones and such so it was just too messed up for anything to stick. You've got frozen ones, so you have plenty of chances and it was the frozen transfer that worked for me! ;) Jannelle from YAYW.

  2. Have been thinking of you today and hoping that you are not feeling too stressed...

    All I can say is that I wish you lots of luck for tomorrow - both at the hospital and at school.

    We all know that you'll do a brilliant job at school - it might just take a little longer to get the other big thing sorted...

    Sending you lots of love and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow

    C xxx

  3. Aw hun, just wanted to send you hugs and the best of luck in your new 'Head' role tomorrow.

    So, not much pressure tomorrow then??? I don't know how you do it sometimes. You may be feeling understandably wobbly, but are one helluva tough cookie (with sexy boots!)

    I sincerely hope you get some good fraggle news, but if not, onwards and upwards for you and Tom.

    Sending lots of love,

  4. Hi Emmy

    Sending you lots of love & hugs. Have been thinking of you so much and I just want to say that things nearly always happen for a reason. My sister had several attemtps at IVF before my beautiful niece was born and although we may not understand at the time, there was always a good reason why the first ones didn't work and then the 'Rachel' one did. Don't give up hope.

    Take care.

    Rita R