Firstly, apologies for not being on here sooner but to say I have had a mad week doesn't really cover it...
On the first day of the children being back at school it was absolutely blizzard conditions. However, these helpfully did not begin until I had made the decision to keep the school open. I was therefore greeting irate parents and annoyed children at the gates in the worst blizzard I'd ever seen, trying to justify why I'd stayed open. Inside I was absolutely cringing; this was my first big decision and I'd seemingly messed up. This all paled into insignificance after what happened next.
A teacher ran over a pupil.
On my first day in charge, a member of staff managed to hit a child in a her car.
You can imagine my panic!
Luckily my NPQH headship training all came flooding back and within a few minutes I had sorted it all out with the police, ambulance crews, the unions, the local authorities and squared all the paperwork with everyone.
The child was with its mother at the time and literally stepped backwards without looking, straight in front of my colleague's car, who, because of the weather, was barely moving so the child wasn't injured at all. The paramedics didn't even take them to hospital. It was my colleague who was most shaken up by everything. When I phoned the local authority and my union rep, I swear they were actually laughing that it was my first day! Turns out that because it was before school and not on school property that it's classed as a "normal" road traffic accident so nothing to do with the school. As it turned out, as soon as the children were inside, it stopped snowing too so I'd made the right decision after all - phew!!
All's sorted now though; the child is fine, my colleague's fine and the parents of the child are fine too. A pretty hectic first day I think you'll agree though. Could only happen to me.
Anyway, have spent most of the rest of the week in absolute agony. I've had the worst headache and weird hot pins and needles all over me all week. Twin that with the fact that AF arrived on Thursday night and you have a pretty rotten week. I went to the hospital on Friday morning for my blood test to check my hormone levels and had a lovely chat with the fertility nurse. She ushered me in for a blood test and then asked me "What are we doing with you today?" I had to admit I didn't know and then all of a sudden I just kind of broke down. I sat with my head in my hands, not crying, just shaking like mad, like I was in shock. I'd kept so much bottled up since Monday that I just cracked.
She was an absolute angel and spent ages explaining everything to me. I'd got myself so worked up about the fact that it was somehow "my fault" and that I'd done something wrong. I'd been fine when I thought it hadn't worked as somehow that was just disappointment. Now that I knew I had actually been pregnant and that it had worked, I was blaming myself.
She reassured me that if I'd done something wrong, it wouldn't have stuck in the first place. She also said that a positive blood reading for pregnancy is 5 and because mine was 12 it had, in her own words, "had a really good go". Apparently it's more than likely something that was genetically wrong with the embryo, especially as we've had to have ICSI and not just IVF where they have to strip the eggs and then inject them rather than just letting them fertilise "naturally". I felt a lot better about this as I'd been beating myself up all week. She explained that the hospital view this as a really positive sign as it shows my other bits and pieces work together to make a decent environment for the embryo to attach. It just seems that my little fragglebaublebaby wasn't strong or well enough to hang on in there.
Tom's been great about everything but he's being adamant that I shouldn't think of the embryos as potential babies or as real humans. He's constantly correcting me if I refer to them in that way and although I know he's doing it to try and protect himself and me from too much hurt, it doesn't always feel like just a "Science experiment" when you're raging with unfamiliar hormones.
Basically this week, I'm having to "lose" our biochemical pregnancy which, without it being a case of too much information, has not been pleasant. I've felt wretched all week although the nurse said the headaches, dizziness and odd pins and needles is more likely to be related to the stress of it all rather than the physical symptoms. She did say that they had really put my body through a lot over the last 6 weeks or so and that I was bound to feel run down and poorly. In the words of Robbie Williams "I look like Kiss but without the make up". I have bags under my eyes you could holiday for a month with and weight's dropping off me by the day despite eating constantly - always a sign of stress with me.
We're due to see the consultant again on the 19th to discuss our options and we've decided we'll just keep on going for it. Tom says he'll support me all the way although I'm just to tell him if I get too tired or need a break from it. My mum is devastated about me "losing" this one and also wants us to get cracking again. So, hopefully we'll hear that we can get started again around easter time.
I've also been pretty much housebound this week as the TT is like driving an ice skate. Dad or Tom's been driving me into work every day although I did drive myself in on Friday. I tried to go and see my Grandad on the way home from work but after skidding backwards down a hill with my hazards and horn on full whack for about 1/4 of a mile in some sort of "backwards Olympic car sledging" event, i decided I'd probably be better off at home with my naughty car left on my drive to sulk in the cold.
I've spent most of the weekend just sleeping at Tom's; I am no longer part hen but am seemingly part dormouse. I now resemble an extra from the Thriller video rather than an actual corpse now. I'm currently back at mine though and am whipping up gallons of wholesome curries and stews to re-stock the freezer and try and bung some meat back on my bones - my leggings currently look like baggy sweatpants! Tom was laughing at my ribs this morning whilst showering - ever the romantic!!
Anyway, just wanted to pop on and update a little. Hope everyone's all well in the snow and keeping warm. My house has now been declared by the met office "Coldest place in the UK" and I'm expecting a gaggle of reporters in puffa jackets from the local newsteams to start doing their outside broadcasts from my lounge. Even the new thermal lined curtains my dad put up for me the other day are not providing any extra insulation. To add to the arctic ambiance, the bloomin radiator in here's sprung a leak so it's even colder than usual. Happy days.
Lots of love to you all in the meantime though.