Monday, 28 September 2009

Well I wondered how long it would take... (edited)

Before the "anonymous" comments reared their heads again.

Just to clarify...

I had reactive depression - for those of you not in the know, this is when you REACT to something. That event is over, as is the "mental collapse" you mention.

Read the posts and get to know me; if I was that bonkers, do you think I would be in charge of a school, over 250 kids, my own home and allowed to get this far on the IVF road?

We are talking here about a ruling which we think our consultant has overlooked in some way.

As for the comments about ST... when some bloke marries you, walks out weeks later, robs all of your life savings from you and disappears into the night with no explanation after the only weeks of the marriage being complete and utter mental torture, then please feel free to lecture me on appropriate responses.

Yes, I entered into that marriage fully and wholeheartedly. He obviously didn't. It wrecked my life temporarily but I am back and fighting fit after the hardest struggle I've ever had. The fact the IVf has to be now is not ideal, I grant you. It would never have been my choice. i am a traditionalist at heart after all. However, I can't help the illness/symptoms I have and the fact they necessitate IVF. I am so lucky to have found a true hero and life partner in Tom who is the best thing to ever ever ever happen to me and I'm grateful to him every day for showing me that not all blokes are hideous thieving guttersnipes with the morals of a sewer rat.

The fact that ST agreeing to marry me is putting a spanner in the works now, is just another indication of the cruel hand fate keeps dealing me at the moment. If he had had the guts not to go through with the marriage or had the common decency to be honest about things in the first place then the shadow he has inadvertently cast over my life may not have occurred. He is out there living his life as happy as larry whilst I am continually thwarted by the fact that we married. I never entered into the marriage thinking it would end so it is just utterly unfair that MY new life is still affected by the choices HE made. It sucks and I am allowed to be angry about it. I do hope he rots in hell and I would defy anyone to go through what i have and not feel the same way.

I have thought long and hard about all of the decisions I have made recently, unlike the 16 year old girl who had just given birth and was drinking special brew and smoking a fag outside the maternity unit we had to pass through on the way to our IVF open evening, whilst she repeatedly told her mum she didn't know which bloke was the father. How come she gets to be a mum and not me? I have devoted my working life to the care and guidance of other people's children and I just want a chance to love and care for a baby of my own. Don't you dare tell me I cannot even be in charge of a puppy; that is cruel, callous and completely unnecessary. Or maybe the line of pregnant mums puffing on fags outside the unit should be more entitled?

For one woman (and I am assuming you are a woman) to tell another she is not fit to look after a puppy let alone a baby is a heartless and utterly ill thought through sentiment. Add into the mix that we have, as a couple, endured more rough times, health scares, ups and downs and general mishaps over our short time together than many couples experience in a decade and it is testament to the way we feel about each other and more recently, about becoming parents together. I have supported Tom as he has dealt with major upheavals in his own life (which I have never posted about on here) and he has watched me collapse unconscious from the severe gynae symptoms, deal with surgery, come to terms with the fact we may never have children of our own and has coaxed me gently back to the person I was for the 32 years before ST wrecked me. I think people forget that before that toadweasel affected me, i had sailed through life for 32 years, dealing with things in a totally "normal" way; it was only because he hurled such a horrible and unexpected curve ball at me that I reacted in the way I did.

This reaction does not make me unable and incapable of caring for a dog. I trained for 5 years to work with children as I adore them. I have volunteered since I was 15 on anything to do with the care and support of children and young people. It is the hardest thing to get to grips with the fact I may always be the one handing back other people's babies at the end of the working day and going home to a home which will never house a cot, a pile of neatly folded baby clothes or the sound of my own baby's laugh.

I may never hear my own baby call my name, may never walk them up and down my landing to soothe their crying in the night or help them take their first steps. For millions of women around the world, they will take these simple things for granted and never ever have someone else, be it a doctor or faceless beaurocrat take their chances away from them due to a previous marriage that ended through no fault of their own.

There will be girls who get pregnant from one night stands, girls who fall pregnant accidentally, girls who knowingly abuse their bodies and babies throughout their pregnancy, just as there will be girls who plan their babies in solid relationships. However these pregnancies come about, i can guarantee that none of them will have someone else deciding for them whether the pregnancy actually begins and happens or not. I do. Someone else is holding all the cards for me and ST has just played a blinding hand, even though he's not even at the table anymore. It's so unfair.

I had a breakdown after a horrible man humiliated and hurt me beyond measure. I am an educated, hardworking and loving person with a fantastic family unit into which a baby would receive more love and support than it could possibly imagine. Just because ST hurt me, does not mean I cannot care for children.

Oh, and I've been with Tom just a couple of weeks shy of a year, not six months! How much more stable do you want than living together every night of the week, our families socialising regularly together, getting his house ready for me to move into and him wanting to go for the IVF in the first place. Think and read carefully before you comment. I use this blog to order my thoughts. Analyse beyond the "emotion" of the posts and think about how I actually conduct myself in my daily life and you'll see a stable professional with a great family and lots of friends - not some fruit loop who "hangs onto bannisters". That was over 18 months ago and its nearly two years since I married ST. It therefore is truly galling to have him get in the flippin way constantly.

I'll thank you to truly walk a mile in my shoes before you decide to kick me with your own.

Oh, and no surprise that you're dishing out advice without revealing your own identity.

Get off my blog and don't come back.


  1. i cant believe yet again someone that is meant to be interested in reading about you path of life feels that they have to send you such awful and hurtful messages. you dont need to get into it with anyone, you dont need to give answers to anything that you write about just delete them and try and foget you even recieved them.

    i am so sorry to hear that someone has sent you another awful message please dont let it put you off writing your path, i love to read them and i wish you all the best with the forth coming weeks with your IVF i REALLY REALLY hope that it all works out.


  2. Go girl!!! I'm sorry though that you have to put up with this crap whilst you are already trying to deal with so much.

    I think you have answered your anonymous poster in a most eloquent, educated and intelligent way. You do indeed hold down a responsible position looking after other people's children and you certainly deserve a chance to have your own baby.

    Now, come on - positive thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    lots of love C xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Hi Emmy

    Just delete the emails in future without reading them if you know they are from someone spiteful (I know easier said than done).

    Do not ever use your blog to justify your life to anyone, those of us who have followed you from the beginning know all the horrible details of your past with ST and we care, support you and wish you all the luck in the world for the future.

    Just remember how far you have come and grown as a person and do not let one person's random comments hurt you as they should know better!!!!!!

    Keep your dignity and get on with your future as you have been doing so well, for all the hurt and badness you have had with ST it's now your turn for some good luck.

    I'm sure in the future you will have a baby whether or not that is IVF or adoption all I know is that child will have the most loving parents a child could ever wish for.

    x x x x x

  4. OMG how heartless do some people have to be? I assume the person who is sending you spiteful messages isn't a parent, if they were they would know what joy children bring and what it is like to have a child of your own.

    Emmy, you are one of the most inspirational people I have ever "met", for you to go through what you did and come out with a smile on your face the other side takes a lot of guts and I really admire you. I am a great believer in Karma and you will receive the "good" sometime soon for all the "bad" you had to put up with as will the nasty piece of work who thinks that they are so important that they can cast aspersions on someone else's life.

    I hope your IVF dream comes true and you get to hold your long awaited child sometime soon xx

  5. Get off your blog and don't come back? No, certainly not. You've decided to create a blog about yourself, trumpeting every detail of your life and saying to the whole world "Aren't I fabulous? Comment on me please!". So you have to take the rough with the smooth, I'm afraid.

    You seem obsessed with me posting as Anonymous - not sure what the big deal is really - other people posting "You go girl!!" are doing the same thing, but somehow you don't seem to find that so offensive. Unlike you, I haven't taken the decision to plaster my identity all over the internet and invite strangers to judge me. So I choose to keep my identity to myself, thanks.

    Now, as far as the rest of your rant goes, I'm genuinely sorry for the trouble you've had, but I just happen to disagree with the consensus on this site. I don't see you as some sort of a heroine. I think you're someone who has had her problems and has unfortunately dealt with them extremely badly. You clearly have a tendency towards self obsession (hence this blog) and to see yourself as a victim. Well, I've got news for you - we all have problems in our lives, and plenty of people have problems which make yours seem extremely inconsequential. And many of those people deal with those problems with strength and quiet dignity.

    Personally I think that the people on this site who are posting encouraging comments are doing you no favours. It's blatantly obvious that you have not yet moved on from the fiasco of your marriage. You need to continue with therapy, and - I'll say it again - forget about having kids until you're much more emotionally stable.

    Obviously there are other unfit mothers out there - that's a stupid, juvenile point to make. Just because you wouldn't literally be the most unfit mother in the world, doesn't mean you should have kids right now. And yes, if you do become one of the millions of women who can't have her own kids, then that will be very sad. And, like those other millions of women, you'll have to make your own peace with this. And perhaps once you have done so, and you're in a better place emotionally, you might consider adopting, so that some good comes out of this whole thing.

    I have no quarrel with you and I certainly don't wish bad things for you at all. Like everyone else here, I followed your story with interest and continue to be curious about your road to recovery. But you invite comments, and I happen to find some of your decisions baffling and frustrating. Does that make my opinion invalid?

  6. Hello, I'm a recent reader of your blog and just wanted to let you know that for me, your words are inspiring. You are strong and brave, you have so much courage and I believe that things will get better for you. I wish that people followed my Nan's advise- if you haven't got anything nice to say then shut the F*ck up. She's great my nan! Anyway- stay strong, you have so much love in your life- from your man and random strangers like me; who have an odd belief that they can help influence someone's life just by caring.
    I wish you all the luck in the world and that good karma comes your way. I will continue to read avidly and suppport from afar.
    Lots of love xx

  7. firstly i not anonymous, i just cant sign in.
    I think the invite was wide open there! Just who do you think you are to say these things? 'i happen to find some of your decisions baffling and frustrating' you obviously have no life of your own to pass judgement so viciously.
    I am one of those 'people' who follow her blog becuase i find some comfort in her words, that when things go tits up you can come out the other side. Emma when i read your blog about finding what the doctor had written, I felt this horrible knot inside my stomach. I am a youngish mother 23, baby was not planned but in no way unwanted. I done everything by the book but still ended up in hospital with all sorts of complications, docs telling me to have an abortion, disability, everything. My daughter is now 16 months and is totally the light of my life, she brings me to my knees everyday in awe of how she makes my world worthwhile. Was i an unfit mother because it was not planned i was depressed etc etc?? i invite you to challenge this, i will wipe the floor with you.
    the thought of any woman going through this brings such a surge of emotions and i can honestly say i have not been able to come back to this blog since reading that because i want to say something that will help, but i know there is nothing that will ease this ladys pain but a baby. to come back and read what you have said is totally sick, and i suggest you should crawl back under that rock you came out of and concentrate your efforts into your own 'perfect' life. You have disgusted me to the pit of my stomach with your totally inhumane comments. anyone who has time to think up such hurtful things to say is 'emotionally unstable'
    take a long look in the mirror before you pass judgement, i am pretty confident karma will catch up with you. good luck

  8. Well i am really saddened that you felt the need to post this comment. Although i believe in free speech you have been invited to read what 1 can only describe as a story of someones life (no offense Emma) You don't know her personally and quite frankly it's just like reading a book you could of rented from the library. I dont mean this badly, i too have been inspired by the strength this women has had to find to get on with her life. It just goes to show what some people have to do to survive. Would you really read a Jackie Collins book and go off on one because of some plot twist!!!!

    Emma i understand perfectly the pain that is in your heart at the thought of not having a baby, as i type i am sitting here with my IVF baby growing inside me as you know. Its not an easy journey but girl it will be a breeze after everything you have encountered. I sure hope they sort it for you.

  9. First of all Emmy, I'm so sorry yu're having these nasty comments posted again. Some people are truly quite cruel. You are a brave person, don't ever forget that. yes, you have invited comments through this blog, but that does not give people the right to be so blatantly nasty. They are not worth bothering about.

    Anonymous, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't have anything constructive to say thenplease do us all a favour and keep quiet. I too keep a blog in whihc I express my emotions on the difficulties that I'm going through at the moment. Like Emmy, I do this to help me to deal with the fact that my life has beena pile of pooh for the last 18 months. it is not helpful for peole who have no personal experience of another pserson's situtation to post nasty comments. You must be a very sad person adn frankly we should all erally pity you.

    Emmy, love & hugs to you. hang on in there.

    Rita R

  10. E - you don't need to justify yourself to someone who wants to cause you upset, it just shows how sad they are! If you google pct guidelines for IVF it's still a postcode lottery - but you can always change your postcode ;-) or at least have a heads up prior to your visit x