Monday, 3 August 2009

I need to have a word with myself...

You know sometimes how you can listen to a mate for maybe hours, days or weeks on end as they bang on about something and you dole out tea and sympathy and try to advise them but they still don't seem to help themselves? Well, you know how frustrating that is? Well, I'm doing it to myself at the moment. Now, I don't mean for a moment that I am suffering from some sort of split personality where I'm actually counselling myself or making one of me lie down on a couch whilst the other interviews them about their problems - God, that would be weird and besides, you can't get on my sofa at the moment as it's covered in stuff that I'm trying to photograph to put on e-bay.

No, I think I'm just a bit sick of every time I look in the mirror being looked back at by the "brave face". Don't get me wrong, I know my day to day life is fantastic but I just feel utterly lost most of the time. I need to make some pretty big decisions and all I do is go over and over and over them in my head until I drive myself nuts. I can't seem to motivate myself at all at home - I can work for hours at either Tom's, my friends' or family's places but mine is falling into gradual disrepair as I can't seem to do anything other than potter about, dither, waste time and generally get nothing done. I feel as if my head's going to explode with the sheer "ditheryness" of me at the moment.

So, here's some of the things that are literally keeping me awake at night with all the pros and cons and which are causing me untold angst...

1. Tom has been on at me for ages to move in with him.
  • Pros: I get to make a fresh start
  • I move in with the man I love
  • He says I can decorate it any way I like
  • Currently my childhood GP who I trust implicitly is overseeing my care for our IVF and my gynae problems

  • Cons: His house is an hour's drive away from my work as oppose to ten minutes. I'd have to get up at 5am every day to get in on time and it'd add 2 hours to my working day.
  • He said yesterday that "when I move in in two years" - he then went on to say he was trying to double bluff me into moving in earlier but I can't help feeling he's now gone off the idea anyway
  • I'll be half an hour's drive from my parents, my brother and my mates instead of walking distance
  • We'd have to re-register with a different doctor which may interrupt or change our funding for IVF cycles

I think I am now a commitment phobic
  • Reasons: Every time I think about a wedding I feel sick, angry and totally panicked.
  • I am convinced that Tom will wake up one day and leave me so I better stay in my house and ensure that at least I will have my own little place to run back to.
  • I shouted at my parents last night in a restaurant because they wouldn't shut up about me moving out of my house and in with Tom.

I am convinced I am a terrible, horrible and ugly person and a complete failure.
  • Reasons: I've put on half a stone (even though I was advised to by the hospital to increase my chances of conceiving) and feel completely vile.
  • ST left and called me some terrible things that still haunt me at night. I must have been a terrible wife and awful person for someone to leave after only a few weeks of marriage.
  • I don't think I'm good enough for Tom. I'm scared he'll wake up one day and want someone uncomplicated and who can give him the biological children he wants.
  • I feel so frustrated that I can't conceive. I so desperately want to be a mum and feel like every natural instinct in me is being thwarted and dashed as I keep experiencing so many problems. The simplest, most natural thing in the world is eluding me and I feel utterly hopeless.
The other path...
The other option I have is to throw myself into my career. If I don't manage to conceive, even with IVF then I'm going to need a focus so it may as well be work; however, there too lies quite a few decisions.
I have my headship qualification so ought to be pursuing promotion. I keep being headhunted (excuse the pun) by people at the local authority but keep turning it down. So, what are the pros and cons of going for promotion?
  • Pros: I get to use my qualifications and run my own school
  • I free up my current position for an aspiring deputy
  • I get to change my name from "Mrs ST" back to my maiden name so another fresh start

  • Cons: I've had the mother of all upheavals in the last year and think that beginning a headship might just be too much for me
  • Similar, in that the doctor said that stress was the biggest cause of failure in IVF so beginning a challenging new post is probably not the best option
  • I just don't think I'm up to it!
  • I love classroom teaching and don't necessarily want to give it up yet.

The fears...
Now these really do haunt me and I can't seem to shake these nagging thoughts no matter how hard I try
  • I am terrified of what they will find during my operation on 24th August. I'm terrified that they'll say there's absolutely no hope at all, even with IVF.
  • I'm terrified I'll have an ectopic pregnancy, lose my one and only working ovary and then be completely scuppered
  • I'm afraid the IVF won't work at all
  • I'm afraid of the indignity and pain of the IVF itself
  • I'm so scared of telling my parents that there really is no chance for me to ever give them any grandchildren.
  • I'm scared Tom will crack under the IVF pressure and leave me.
  • I'm scared that if I work too hard at work, the IVF won't work but if I don't work hard enough then the kids in my school will suffer or my boss will get mad with me
So, there you go, my world in a nutshell with the emphasis on "nut" because I really am doing my own head in with all of this.
If anyone has any sage advice or can just help me to get things into perspective a little then I'd be really grateful. I've tried talking to Tom but he doesn't seem to get where I'm coming from. He just says things like, "Well, you've got to have the op to find out what's what. At least we'l know" and "Well, if it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't". He's not exactly on my wavelength with the emotion of it all and I'm so scared of the fact ST left when everything was meant to be good that I daren't share too much with Tom in case he freaks and leaves me.

Oh what a bloody mess.

I'm off now to paint my kitchen ceiling which I've been putting off for over a month. And who says glamour is dead...



  1. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! I am SO angry that ST still makes you feel crap about yourself, god I hate him!

    Well, nobody can advise you what to do hun, all we can do is add our two pence worth. So here's mine - first of all if I were you I would stay put for now until you've given the IVF a go, just so you can stay with your GP. Plus you need to avoid extra stress while you have your treatment and do not underestimate how stressful a long commute is, it's the bane of my life and I've been in tears some mornings stuck in traffic, hate it with a passion. Plus at the moment you can stay over whenever you want to and moving in together is something good and positive you can look forward to and be planning (all the decorating), there is no rush to do it though.

    I definitely don't think you're a commitment phobe - you're still healing is all, you've come so far and time has hopefully eased the pain but it's still probably a bit raw to be thinking about a wedding...

    Also, Tom loves you because you are you. Nobody can make you believe that but I'm sure that on a good day you don't doubt that one bit. You're bound to have a wobble occasionally as do we all - I put my insecure days down to hormones. Of course if anyone else said that, including my darling husband, I'd knock their head off!! Please be reassured though that even in the strongest of relationships we all have those thoughts sometimes.

    Career is obvious. You should stay put for now. Not because you can't do it, but like you say, you need to be 100% ready for a new time consuming challenge and it doesn't sound like you are yet. Again, something fabulous to look forward to and plan for the future?

    Your fears about the IVF situation are all perfectly normal and I'm sure you know that Tom is right, you do have to just wait and see. Easier said than done I know, we're on our 7th month of trying to conceive and it's an awful rollercoaster of emotions. My hubby constantly reminds me it will happen when it happens and as much as I don't want to hear it. I do know he's right.

    Apologies for the essay! Hopefully writing it all down has given you some perspective anyway, and let me just add that I'm glad you have all these dilemmas to occupy you. It shows how much you have moved on - if someone had said to you a year ago that instead of every waking thought being consumed by ST you'd be contemplating moving in with your amazing new man and starting IVF you wouldn't have believed them. You've come so far so put your faith in fate and trust that what will be will be, just try to enjoy the journey hun. You really have got so much to look forward to on your new path gorgeous girl, now go get that ceiling painted!!

    Kerrym xxx

  2. Something I've read is when you have lots of fears like this, a good thing to do is to write them all down (and be completely honest) and then try to look at them as if they're not your fears, and try to imagine what you'd say to your best friend if they had those fears. Then the answer should become obvious!

  3. PS have been commuting an hour and a half for the last two years - it's hideous - like Kerry says don't underestimate it. I've been in tears too (but also cos I hate my job as well as the commute!)