No, I think I'm just a bit sick of every time I look in the mirror being looked back at by the "brave face". Don't get me wrong, I know my day to day life is fantastic but I just feel utterly lost most of the time. I need to make some pretty big decisions and all I do is go over and over and over them in my head until I drive myself nuts. I can't seem to motivate myself at all at home - I can work for hours at either Tom's, my friends' or family's places but mine is falling into gradual disrepair as I can't seem to do anything other than potter about, dither, waste time and generally get nothing done. I feel as if my head's going to explode with the sheer "ditheryness" of me at the moment.
So, here's some of the things that are literally keeping me awake at night with all the pros and cons and which are causing me untold angst...
1. Tom has been on at me for ages to move in with him.
- Pros: I get to make a fresh start
- I move in with the man I love
- He says I can decorate it any way I like
- Currently my childhood GP who I trust implicitly is overseeing my care for our IVF and my gynae problems
- Cons: His house is an hour's drive away from my work as oppose to ten minutes. I'd have to get up at 5am every day to get in on time and it'd add 2 hours to my working day.
- He said yesterday that "when I move in in two years" - he then went on to say he was trying to double bluff me into moving in earlier but I can't help feeling he's now gone off the idea anyway
- I'll be half an hour's drive from my parents, my brother and my mates instead of walking distance
- We'd have to re-register with a different doctor which may interrupt or change our funding for IVF cycles
I think I am now a commitment phobic
- Reasons: Every time I think about a wedding I feel sick, angry and totally panicked.
- I am convinced that Tom will wake up one day and leave me so I better stay in my house and ensure that at least I will have my own little place to run back to.
- I shouted at my parents last night in a restaurant because they wouldn't shut up about me moving out of my house and in with Tom.
I am convinced I am a terrible, horrible and ugly person and a complete failure.
- Reasons: I've put on half a stone (even though I was advised to by the hospital to increase my chances of conceiving) and feel completely vile.
- ST left and called me some terrible things that still haunt me at night. I must have been a terrible wife and awful person for someone to leave after only a few weeks of marriage.
- I don't think I'm good enough for Tom. I'm scared he'll wake up one day and want someone uncomplicated and who can give him the biological children he wants.
- I feel so frustrated that I can't conceive. I so desperately want to be a mum and feel like every natural instinct in me is being thwarted and dashed as I keep experiencing so many problems. The simplest, most natural thing in the world is eluding me and I feel utterly hopeless.
The other option I have is to throw myself into my career. If I don't manage to conceive, even with IVF then I'm going to need a focus so it may as well be work; however, there too lies quite a few decisions.
I have my headship qualification so ought to be pursuing promotion. I keep being headhunted (excuse the pun) by people at the local authority but keep turning it down. So, what are the pros and cons of going for promotion?
- Pros: I get to use my qualifications and run my own school
- I free up my current position for an aspiring deputy
- I get to change my name from "Mrs ST" back to my maiden name so another fresh start
- Cons: I've had the mother of all upheavals in the last year and think that beginning a headship might just be too much for me
- Similar, in that the doctor said that stress was the biggest cause of failure in IVF so beginning a challenging new post is probably not the best option
- I just don't think I'm up to it!
- I love classroom teaching and don't necessarily want to give it up yet.
Now these really do haunt me and I can't seem to shake these nagging thoughts no matter how hard I try
- I am terrified of what they will find during my operation on 24th August. I'm terrified that they'll say there's absolutely no hope at all, even with IVF.
- I'm terrified I'll have an ectopic pregnancy, lose my one and only working ovary and then be completely scuppered
- I'm afraid the IVF won't work at all
- I'm afraid of the indignity and pain of the IVF itself
- I'm so scared of telling my parents that there really is no chance for me to ever give them any grandchildren.
- I'm scared Tom will crack under the IVF pressure and leave me.
- I'm scared that if I work too hard at work, the IVF won't work but if I don't work hard enough then the kids in my school will suffer or my boss will get mad with me
If anyone has any sage advice or can just help me to get things into perspective a little then I'd be really grateful. I've tried talking to Tom but he doesn't seem to get where I'm coming from. He just says things like, "Well, you've got to have the op to find out what's what. At least we'l know" and "Well, if it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't". He's not exactly on my wavelength with the emotion of it all and I'm so scared of the fact ST left when everything was meant to be good that I daren't share too much with Tom in case he freaks and leaves me.
Oh what a bloody mess.
I'm off now to paint my kitchen ceiling which I've been putting off for over a month. And who says glamour is dead...